One of the realizations that I've been struggling with lately is that I love to shop. I'm a spender, not a saver. I love clothes. I love shoes. I love books. I love eating out. I love going to concerts. I just love using my money to get me things that I want.

I'm at that point when I'm realizing that enjoying my money doesn't mean that I can't save, and it should never mean that I go into debt. If I were responsible with my money to begin with, I'd probably be able to feel a lot more relaxed NOW. I would have a comfortable amount in savings. I wouldn't be in debt. I would get rid of any guilt I feel when spending money now, even if it's for a true necessity like toilet paper. I might even feel comfortable enough to spring for that red pair of shoes I talked about so long ago. (I really, really want them!)

And even though I am in debt, I don't think I should feel guilty for spending money. Now, if I were going on wild, crazy shopping sprees and continuing to use my credit cards, THEN I think I should be feeling guilty. But if I have an extra $5 ... it could go to pay off the debt faster. And usually, now, it does. But it could also go to a cheap bottle of wine ($2.99, Trader Joes!) and a DVD rental. It could go to buy fresh mozzarella. Some new eyeshadow.

My point is that I'm feeling incredibly guilty with every dollar I spend ... even if the money is going to debt payment! I want to hoard, hoard, hoard ... dollars. Every penny out is becoming an endless source of guilt ... whether it's a $5 lunch out with my co-workers or $65 for an electric bill.

But, even with my excessive debt, that doesn't make me a bad person. And that doesn't mean I should feel guilty that not absolutely every single penny is either going to credit cards or savings. I mean, come on. I have rent to make. I have to eat. On a more superficial note, I have to look somewhat professional in my career.

So ... my latest struggle is learning to not only accept but embrace the fact that yes, I do like to shop and that I am going to spend money in the future ... but I have to do it while managing my budget and savings at the same time. I cannot allow myself to get into credit card debt again. But I can allow myself to allow my money to let me do things I enjoy.

So what about you? Spender or saver? A bit of both?

Had an eye appointment this morning with my new optometrist ... it's a very classy place. A big step-up from the Super Wal-Mart Vision Center! At any rate, to check for glaucoma, she put drops in my eyes that numbed them ... it was a weird sensation for a few minutes.

Anywho, insurance picked up most of it but because I needed a new contact lens fitting the total came to $40.50. Paid for from checking.

I signed up for a Web site that pays for people to take surveys and try sample products (InboxDollars ... see to the left of my blog) ... so far today I made a little over $5! Can't wait to start applying this to my CC debt.

I went out with some friends last night but am looking forward to a quiet night in tonight ... I've been really tired lately. I also need to make some progress on my novel.

I'm absolutely dying to try the new Chinese place (that delivers!), but I think I'll just be making my "fried" rice tonight. Brown rice, chicken, peas, onions, garlic, a little Worcestershire's sauce. I'll brew up some hot tea and call it a night. :-)

Does anyone have any advice on other Web sites I can sign up at to earn money?

So, I received an odd e-mail a couple of days ago, from www.billinghlp.com, basically stating that my Chase CC was going to be charged $29.95 for a first of monthly recurring charges for some service I had never heard of before.

The warning bells started clanging, because I haven't used that credit card in months. I checked on the account, and saw the charge was pending but hadn't gone through yet.

The e-mail went on to say that if I wanted to unsubscribe (um, from the service I never heard of therefore could never sign up for), I could go to their Web site and put in my e-mail and (of course) my CC #. I went to their Web site and it's not a secure site.

Long story short, I called Chase to have that particular account # changed and the one charge questioned. It was simple and straight forward enough, but still irritating (and a bit scary.) I do keep tabs on my credit report, and there's nothing else suspicious popping up on either of my other cards.

So ... just beware if you get a billinghlp.com e-mail. (And if you Google them, you get some results that basically describe my above experience.)

Other than that, today was supposed to be a no-spend day, but I had to run to the drug store this morning and, erm, get some feminine hygiene products. That may be TMI, but it just served as a lesson to me ... no matter how carefully you plan, sometimes life just has the final say!

Have a good night everyone ... I made another personal pizza tonight and plan on curling up with the dog and the TV remote! Tomorrow's Friday ... yippee!